I don't know if anyone felt the brunt of my addiction as much as my mother did. My mother taught me unconditional love. It may not have felt like that all the time in my addiction, but I now that know that she always showed up for me regardless of how I treated her or myself. I know today that she did her best with the resources she had at her disposal. I couldn't even put a number on how many times she sat me down about my drug use and attempted to talk sense into me. I love my mom and was taught to respect her opinion but drug addiction has no space for reason, even from the ones that we love. Emotional appeal and the pleas of my mother was not sufficient. I kept on with my drug use and things would gradually get worse. Every time I would get in trouble, she would be the first person I called. Every single arrest I called her first and she was there. I can remember the time I got expelled from school, she went out of her way to try to enroll me in other schools. She was always trying to save me from myself. My disease manipulated her and held her emotionally hostage in a regular basis. Towards the end of my addiction, she ended up enabling me in my disease. She honestly thought she was helping me, or at the very least just keeping me alive. My mother and sister drove me to the hospital when I overdosed on xanax. She bailed me out of jail, she paid all my attorney fees and got me me out of all my citations. She was just trying to keep her son out of prison and out of trouble. At the end of my addiction, I manipulated her to think that I needed to come off of cocaine like someone needed to ween off of heroin and she would drive me to get my fix because I was too paranoid to do so myself. I went so far as to give her a bag of salt and she thought she was helping me by giving me a little at a time (yes really). The entire time I would be using in my bedroom. Every time I would go to treatment, I would talk her to stopping at the dope house on the way so I could use one last time on the way to rehab. And she would do it! She would literally do anything just to get me into a safe place.
Finally, she got fed up with my bullshit and stopped all of the enabling. She started by calling my probation officer and "snitched" me out! I can't even imagine how difficult that was for her. Today, i know that she loved me enough to call the cops which possibly saved my life. Towards the end of my addiction I was over dosing almost once a week, and I was very well on the verge of dying. I was having pains on the left side of my body from the IV cocaine use and was blacking out from xanax and ecstasy every day. She finally called the cops and I was arrested for the last time at my house. Cops literally came into my room and removed me from a loaded rig I was about to shoot. My sister and mother cried as the cops put me in the backseat. I was sent to Angelina County Jail for thirty days while I awaited for a bed to open up at a state funded treatment center. Today, I am grateful that my mother called the cops on me and had me arrested, I don't know if id be sober or alive if it wasn't for her.
Today I get to make amends to my mother by being the son I stole from her. When I made the amends approach to her 9 years ago, she didn't want the money or pawned jewelry back, she just wanted her son back. For the last nine years almost every morning I get to call her to ask her how SHE IS DOING. Im not calling her for bail money and I'm not calling her because I messed up again. The ability to do this is one of the blessings of me getting sober. Thanks to my gift of recovery I get to honor the amends I made years ago and be the son she always deserved. After all she did give birth to me and then saved me from myself. Thank you mom, I will forever be grateful for the sacrifice you made and the life we have now. Happy Mothers Day!